Maggots swarm and scrum.

Maggot Fear and Loathing in Savannah By Jake Jagoff

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- In one of the finest drinking displays yet witnessed in the Western Hemisphere, the camo-clad Missoula All-Maggots launched their own version of Sherman’s march through Georgia laying waste to body, mind and soul in the not-so sultry city of Savannah. The Missoula Maggots arrived creating their own weather system and so it rained and blew for our first three days in the South. Not that that disrupted our drinking regimen, far from it, for we are Maggots and we are constantly adapting to global climate change, taste loss, bad referees, etc. In an era of decidedly few good rugby tournaments, we were looking for one that offered plenty of drinking and social opportunities with some quality competition on the pitch. Savannah seemed to fit the bill and so we Maggots ventured forth, flew the-pain-in-my-ass, not-so-friendly-as-they-once-used-to-be skies and managed to get there without having to thwart any terrorist attempts to break the fun barrier. Our real mission, as is borne out on every Maggot bus tour, was to prove that Montana is still the last, great bastion of social rugby.  That means winning the party by having more fun than the rest of our rugby comrades. Savannah itself proved to be a Disneyland for drunk Maggots, much like its northern counterpart Elkhart Lake, Wis. proved to be for this Maggot last Labor Day weekend. As the list of team piss-pots grew from Wednesday to Friday, and any pretense of training or even running for that matter evaporated in a sea of booze, it became clear to me that my liver had better perform or I was in deep shit. These were the kind of drunks that hurt and required one to get on a crazy, freaky hallucination train simply to stay in the game. Take St. Patrick’s Day for example. Following a Maggot probe of several drinking establishments on the infamous River Street on Wednesday night, we resumed early the next day intent on getting downtown to see the parade – supposedly the third largest in the country. Let’s just say we found the Rail Pub, club bar for the tournament host Savannah Shamrocks R.F.C., before we could get to the parade and it quickly faded from view. Drunk in a town full of drink specials, green beer and penis beads, all contact with reality was lost and I was forced to rampage the streets from bar to bar in an alcoholic stupor.  Amazingly, nobody went to jail...for anything I saw, but that wasn’t much so perhaps I wrong. But the police seemed friendly enough and aware of the general naughtiness that was going on. As my wallet attested the next day, all of this drinking was certainly good for the economy and so Maggots frolicked at will within the colorful confines of Savannah. Day or night, black or white, you need to bring it in this town and, throughout our five-day bender, most Maggots were up to the challenge. As far as our play on the pitch, it wasn't good enough to match the depth and quality of our opponents who traveled stronger and no doubt drank half as much. Quite simply, we didn't have the horses and even Mama was left holding the groceries by tourney end. Hat's off to assorted Flies who made the trip and Maggot jetsam from around the country who helped ensure that our 1-2 record was not in vain. These include Scotty Franklin, Vinny a.k.a. Pork & Chesse, Cameron, Eat-suck and Troy Doxie. We did manage to storm back and win our first game against the Gypsy’s with a last-minute try to seal the deal. That was after trailing 14-0, less than 2 minutes into the game, and 21-10 late.  Suffice to say that many Maggots started slowly and it took 25 minutes before we ran the hangovers off. In the second half, we rallied to score two tries in the last 10 minutes of the match to finish. Ballsy finish Black. This did allow us to advance into the winner’s bracket but meant we had to play Wisconsin RFC, out of Madison, who won the Division 2 national title in 1999-2000. We ended up getting spanked 38-7 but were only down 10-0 at half and that was largely due to Mama’s Gary Owen that he kicked from and back into our own try zone that there outside center caught and touched down. Defensively, we played tough but lacked continuity and the ability to finish when we had the ball in hand. While not quite as bad as the “Maggots dropping like Flies” tour down to Vail a few summers ago, several players were lost to injury, fatigue and 3 days of piss which translated into them running in four tries in the second half. On Sunday, we lost a tough match to a solid Air Force combined side 22-14. Overall, the Maggots owned them in the scrums but gave away too much of our own ball in the loose play that allowed them good opportunities to counterattack, which being Air Force boys, they were very effective at. We certainly had our share of chances and left a few tries on the field but turnovers and mental breakdowns at the wrong time killed us.  That said, Scotty Franklin missed a couple of penalty kicks, our starting flyhalf was concussed and, despite this, we were knocking down at their end again when the whistle blew. In the end we took 4th place which is better than kissing your sister. Much fun had by all and the Maggots certainly set a brisk social pace and managed to represent ourselves well from the rugby perspective. Jake Jagoff, one of the original Lowbaggers, has been a treehugger in the Red States for decades, as well as a Maggot player and coach.

Every year, thousands of rugby players succumb to Post-Savannah Depression (P.S.D.), a specific disease within the larger family of Post-Tour Depression. Watch for these tell-tale signs in yourself and your mates: *Does your arm settle at a 90 degree angle when it is not actively being used? *Do you have the uncontrollable urge to pour a beer down your best friend's back? *Do you desire to piss on somebody? *Do you dream of having beads, beads, and more beads? *Does the thought of being crammed in a limited space with 20,000 people who are drinking to excess sound rational? *Do you have the sudden urge to streak in front of thousands of other men? *Are you really convinced that you are part Irish, even though your people have been oppressing the Irish for centuries?